Post 8 - I made it!

7th August 2024

I would like to start with a trigger warning that I will be talking about my experience over the last couple of days with my dad.

My dad passed away at 2.46am Wednesday the 7th of August.

It’s been 2 days since I wrote my last post.  If you read it you’ll remember I wasn’t sure if I would make it there in time to say goodbye.  When I got off the plane my Sister text me and said hurry it’s happening.  It was a panic, I literally flew through customs and my bag came out first, I jumped in my friends car and we got there without any traffic, I was thanking the universe for getting me there so quickly and thought it was fate.  We thought my Dad was waiting for me.

I made it and I am so grateful and happy I did, I never thought I would.

I saw him, hugged him, kissed him, sat there, and told him all the best memories that I had written down in my notes on the plane. My memories, Chaddy’s memories and also Hanna’s memories.

When I got there, he had already been sleeping and unresponsive for I think 24 hours, however, we all saw a flicker on his face when I got there.  That was the last movement he made.

He stayed with us for another 36 hours after that.

It was long and so sad

He was in the wonderful SpringHill Hospice in Rochdale and I can’t say enough good things about it. My mum and Sister literally lived there for 5 days with him, never once did we leave him alone.

The hospice is run purely off donations and I vow to always raises money for them when I can.  They made them last days for my dad and my family exactly what he would have wanted. The nurses have so much compassion and hug you, constantly making you teas/coffee, food, cakes they just can’t do enough for you.  I feel so blessed to have had that positive experience. 

It wasn’t all sad.  I’m not sure what experiences others have had in similar situations but we had some belly laughs too, probably in a kind of hysterical way.  We sang songs that came on the radio, my Dad loved smooth radio and we kept saying he was waiting for the perfect song.  We chatted, reminisced, and said goodbye to him every single time we left the room, just in case! It became a bit of a thing between the 3 of us.  We were scared to fall asleep in case we missed it but we’d said goodbye so many times that we would have been ok with it if we did.  We were lucky enough that we were all there in the end.  He actually would have loved it, hearing his 3 girls giggling, talking nonsense and singing.

In true Peri style and lack of sleep I have a very muddled brain today.  This happened only less than 4 hours ago and I am sat here writing about it. Some may think that odd but I don’t know what else to do.   I tried to sleep but just lay there wondering if it’s normal for me to not be crying constantly, wondering when I should tell everyone, wondering how I should be feeling.  It’s 6.32am and everyone is asleep and I can't so I got up and messaged the people I wanted to message and so here I am, hoping that writing about it will help me process it, remember it more so I can then feel the feels I should be feeling.

Greif is new to me.  I’ve lost friends and family over the years but no-one in my immediate family.  I don’t know what grief looks like for me.  I’m super emotional generally but feel I must be in a kind of shock or surreal state. 

Guilt is the most prominent of feelings I feel.  I feel guilty that I’m hungry right now, aren’t I supposed to lose my appetite?  Why am I not crying? I want to be alone for a bit, is that ok?  Or should I not feel that?  Guilt that I am writing about it.  It’s madness.

Writing this has really helped me.  I have written this post and my last post with no intention to actually post them yet.  I wrote them to help me process and wanted to reflect on them after a few days or even in the future as my memory is so bad.  I can share too much and worry about causing offense but that’s the way I am.  I always write with the intent to help and to relate.  I hope that is how it’s read.

Emma x

Post 7 - My Dad

5th August 2024

More of a life update

It’s been a week!

I am writing this entry from 32000 ft in the air, currently flying from Dubai to Manchester.  The easy leg as fellow travellers will agree.  Once you’ve got the 14 hour one out of the way the 7-hour flight feels like a breeze.  I’m about the eat a breakfast meal for the 2nd time today and I couldn’t be more over plane food.

As this is a diary about my Peri experience, I’ll start with a little update from my last post.  I got my period on day 21 again.  I look back through my tracking and realise that for the last 6 months all my period have been on day 21 or day 22.  I am moving forward with my commitment to going on HRT but I’ve had some life stuff thrown my way.  However, I did go and get a full blood check done the other day, I am still waiting on the results of that.  Just so I know I am going into it healthy.

When I return from the UK I will be making an appointment and starting HRT hopefully.

Back to my week.

My poor Dad was diagnosed with terminal bladder cancer in June last year.  He also has Lewy Body’s dementia and we were never really sure which one would take him from us first.

As I write this, on Monday the 5th of August, at fuck knows what time because I’m in between times zones, (according to my watch its 8.17am but I think that Dubai time) he is still with us.

It all happened very quickly, as cancer usually does and he was admitted into the hospice on Thursday and we were told he will not be leaving and to say our goodbyes. 4 days later he is hanging on by a thread.

I never thought I would make it, I still don’t know if I will.  I said goodbye over Facetime and made my peace with it but now I’m literally 8-9 hours away from getting there and the closer I get the more I hope he is waiting for me.

My dad is my hero.  I literally thought he was the strongest man growing up.

I’ve been writing down all my memories of him in my notes in my phone.

He used to always reference Bob Marley “don’t worry be happy”, he even said it in his father of the bride speech at me wedding.

He always told me that he was proud of me and it used to make my heart burst.

I moved house a million times and he always helped me move.  He never complained. 

I got a job at the airport In Manchester when I was 23 years old.  It was a good 40-minute drive from where we lived.  I thought I could drive there myself but I kept failing my driving test.  My dad used to take me to work at all hours, never complained.  We used to have these massive deep chats.

He always looked on the bright side and I think I am the optimist I am today because as of our chats and his perspective on life.

It wasn’t until I was much older that I learned how he suffered with terrible anxiety all his life, you would have never have known, he hid it so well from me and my sister.

To see someone you love go through these awful diseases is heartbreaking.  Being on the other side of the world from them means I’ve not been on the frontline.  My mum and sister have done all the caring and I’m both so grateful but also guilt-ridden not to have been involved.

I also know it’s a choice I made 9 years ago.  To move to Australia.  I also new these times would come.  My dad supported my decision to move and go create a better life, I take comfort in that.  I have learnt that we make choices and we need to be accountable to them.

It felt nice to write about my Dad and I know we have a grieving process ahead that I have never had to deal with.  I don’t know how that will look for me or my mum and sister.

I am happy to be going home to be part of it.

Next time I post my dad will have got his wings and will be at peace.

Emma x

Post 6 - I want my spark back - my reasons for going on HRT.

16th July 2024

Knowing the history of HRT (Hormone replacement therapy) and why it has a bad reputation is important.  I think if women understood it before jumping to conclusions about it then they could possibly improve their own quality of life.

The Women's Health Initiative (WHI) study was conducted in the 1991.

It was a large-scale study, initially conducted on post-menopausal (this is after they have been through menopause) women to see if HRT could prevent heart disease.  The average age was around 63 years old!

In 2002, the study was halted due to safety concerns.  The study found a slight increase in the risk of invasive breast cancer in women taking combined HRT (a mix of estrogen and progestin). The exact percentage increase is debated, but estimates suggest it could be around 7-8% increased risk over several years of use, to be clear this is in post-menopausal women.

This was sensationalised in the press with headlines like “HRT causes Breast Cancer” all across the world.  This caused everyone to panic, including the GP’s and they pulled everyone off it.

Women were plunged back into night sweats, painful vagina symptoms and deep depression and told to put up with it and it will pass.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where the vast majority of us believe everything we read.

Once you have a belief, it’s very hard to un-learn it.

The whole study was misinterpreted.

There was a placebo group and a group on combined HRT.

The placebo group – 30 women out of 10,000 got breast cancer

The HRT group – 38 women out of 10,000 got breast cancer

The increase in the HRT group of developing breast cancer is 8 women per 10,000.  This is still totally relevant BUT other factors were not taken into account.  In the HRT group the average age was higher than in the placebo group.  The older we get the higher the increase of developing any cancer.  Lifestyle wasn’t taken into account either.

1-7 of Australian women will get breast cancer.  HRT or not.

The main factors of breast cancer are

Alcohol consumption

Being overweight

Being inactive

Could this increase in number in the HRT be because these factors were not controlled in the study?

To put this into perspective.  You have more chance of developing breast cancer drinking a glass of wine each night than taking HRT. You have more chance developing breast cancer being in-active.  Yet we are so scared of taking HRT which can actually bring lots of health benefits but not scared of that glass of wine which brings us zero benefits.

Isn’t that crazy!  How we have been conditioned to think like this due to clever marketing and scare mongering in the press.

Another thing to note is that we do not use the HRT they used in the study anymore.

If you have had a hysterectomy and are on oestrogen only HRT you have zero increased risk of getting breast cancer, ZERO!!

There is risk with everything we do.

Every time we get on a plane, in a car, smoke a cigarette or just cross the road.

I think perspective is important here.

After doing my research into the side effects of HRT I have figured that the benefits of going on HRT, for me, outweigh the negatives.

Here is why I personally want to go on HRT.

This is what I hope it helps me with

1.       My increased anxiety

Including heart palpitations, my mind thinking crazy thoughts, a heaviness on my chest and worrying about things I never ever worried about previously.

2.       My strength

In the gym.  I feel weaker and I can’t figure out why.  Some days I am considerably weaker, it’s new for me.  Everything just feels harder.

3.       Sleep

I am tired and I shouldn’t be.  I am due to have my bloods done which I will do very soon but based on my lifestyle I shouldn’t be this tired.  I’m sick of saying I’m tired.  I have a good diet, I am active but not to active, I don’t have high stress, I take my supplements.  I fall asleep fine but it’s broken and can be very tossy turny.

4.       My mood

I do get mild depression days.  I have researched that if you do get this and the depression is linked to your cycle and not something else then HRT could help.

5.       Bring back my spark

I’m losing it.  My zest for life.  My optimism. Sometime I just feel lost and could burst out crying.  I want my spark back the most.

It’s important for me not to set my expectations to high and expect HRT to change my life.  I have heard stories where it has and I’ve heard stores on the contrary.   I know it can be a process getting prescribed the right dose and I have to be patient.  I know people who felt better after 1 day and others who are still waiting 3 months in.

I have a niggle in my mind wondering if my symptoms are even bad enough, other’s have it so much worse than me.  Am I being soft?  Am I being dramatic?

So what, I’m doing it!!

Emma x