Post 5 - My Rage

2nd July 2024

My period came 5 days early with all the symptoms of my previous one.  On one hand I was glad because I was going away in 6 days so at least most of it will be over by then.  On the other hand I was totally caught off guard.

I will keep this one short as the last one was long.

My stand out symptom this month was my irritability and the rage I feel.

I never lose my temper.  I didn’t even know I had one. I think the last time I lost my temper was about 10 years ago, it was at my husband, I can’t remember what it was about but I remember throwing a pile of washing at his head.  He must have really pissed me off for this to happen.

These days I feel like I am going to lose it ALL THE TIME.

My husband (will refer to him as Chaddy moving forward as saying my husband all the time is annoying me) asked me if I wanted a cup of tea, I said yes please, then he asked which cup I wanted it in.  I felt so irritated by this question.  In my head it was such a stupid question.  In my usual cup of course, why would he even ask?  I snapped back at him and he looked sad.  I immediately felt bad and knew I was being a total bitch. He just wanted to make me a cup of tea.

That same night we were in bed, I was reading and he was breathing really heavy.  How annoying!  How dare he breath so loud!  I had to really bite my lip not to say anything as I knew I was being totally irrational.

Then there is Hanna.  Nearly 13, full of sass and cocky comments which I usually let go over my head.  She is always in my stuff.  Stealing my clothes mainly but she is always in my make up bag.  I usually find it cute.  Not today.  I have a new bare minerals powder and of course, she wants to open it.  I say, please be careful with that, I don’t want to going everywhere.  What do you think happens!!!  It goes everywhere and I see red.  I mean, I lost my temper.  I screamed at her.  Poor kid, you should have seen her face.  It’s very out of character for me so she knew she had crossed the line.  I didn’t feel bad for at least half an hour where I would usually feel bad immediately.  Once I calmed down I spend the night hugging her and saying sorry and wondering if I am one of those emotional abusive parents.

It was only my dog that didn’t feel my rath that day, mainly because he looks like a big bear.

I know it will pass but it’s happening so much more lately.

Emma x

Post 4 - I'm a people pleaser!

28/06/2024

I am pleased to report that since my last post I have been feeling very good, very normal.  I even got through ovulation time without too much hassle this month which is unusual as sometimes that can be just as bad.  I am a week before my next period so all that could change but as I am feeling great I thought it would be a good time to tackle a somewhat controversial topic, HRT AKA Hormone replacement Therapy.

In my last diary entry I was so fed up I made the decision that I would go on HRT.

I have said this before, then I recover for a couple of weeks and change my mind about the HRT and hope it was just a bad month and that I will soldier on through.   Then the bad month happens again and repeat.

This time I feel like I am still going to do it.

I mention above that HRT is a controversial topic.  I be starting with some basics about HRT that I have learnt, I will likely talk about the opinions of others and I am not in anyway qualified medically to offer advise on HRT.  I have done a lot of research in terms of reading menopause specific books, listened to 100’s of podcasts from the leading menopause experts and I have done many training courses in my field of personal training and Nutrition in terms of working with women going through the menopause years.   I know a little bit about a little bit in the grand scheme of things. 

I think that every individual should do what is right for them and if that is going on HRT or not, that is a choice we get.  The choice needs to be an empowered one, not a bling one and by that I mean we have to do our own research on what is right for us as an individual.

Firstly, I will start with my own reservations of going on HRT

They may surprise you as they have nothing to do with health or side effects.

1.       Finances – Here is Australia I believe it can cost anywhere between $60-$200 for hormones per month, this depends on which ones you go for and what you are prescribed.

The lower cost is fine, the higher and I’m like, shit, I need to try and find that from an already very stretched budget.  It’s another bill.  BUT – it’s a small price to pay if it helps me feel better when I need to feel better.  It will be money well spent. I am always saying there is nothing more important than spending money on your health.

2.       Commitment – I’m 43, if I start taking it now it’s likely I will be on it for at least 10 years, maybe even longer.   I used to be on the pill in my 30’s and I used to forget to take it all of the time, always messing up my cycle.  In my mind I worry that I will do the same so what’s the point. I always forget to take my supplements.  Writing this down makes it seem silly.  I will just adult myself better.

3.       “I want my body to be natural” – I have to say, this one is out of date and I had to do some un-learning here.  I came off the pill in my late 30’s.  I didn’t have a problem with it, I responded fine to it but I just wanted to be natural.  How many of us have said things like, I don’t want to put that shit in my body anymore?  Lots of people I know.  Hormones have come a very long way however there is some confusion around body identical hormones and bio identical hormones that I would like to do more of a deep dive into.  I’ll do a separate post but in a nutshell body identical hormones are exactly that, they are not un-natural.

4.       My pride – I pride myself on the fact that I take zero prescribed medications.  I know that I am very lucky and probably in the minority.  As it stands writing this today I am a very healthy girl as far as I know.  I rarely get sick, in the last 3 years I’ve been sick twice.  Covid back in the day and a 1-day tummy bug over 18 months ago.   I get the odd run-down day but most of my feel shitty/feel like I’m getting sick days are around my period.  I work 25 sessions a week as a PT with women in my gym and I think 90% of them have been sick in the last few months, I’m not sure how it is skipping me.

I used to get sick a lot.  Stinking colds mainly. I worked in an office in the city and I got on public transport a lot.  Now I work in an outside gym and I’m rarely on public transport.  This is a major factor I think as my hubby is a gardener and rarely gets sick either.

Getting back to the pride thing.  I pride myself on being as healthier as I can.  Not to an obsessive level but I am doing all the things to be healthy.  I am active, I lift weights and have a good amount of muscle, I try to eat within my energy needs (most of the time) my diet is balanced and I try to eat lots of different plants each week for my gut health.  I make sure I get enough sleep and I really try to limit alcohol, although this is my area of weakness but I am loads better than I was a few years ago.  So, because I am doing all of this my pride is telling me why should I start taking HRT I should be able to handle this.  My body should be able to handle this, I do all the right things.

I have since learnt that it does not work like that.

Sure all the above is going to help manage symptoms but even if I am still doing these things and I still feel rotten for 1-2 weeks of the month then something needs to change. 

Here is the thing I have come to realise.

No-one gets a medal for doing it the hard way!

I remember I wanted to have a natural childbirth 13 years ago when I had my daughter Hanna.  Most people want a natural one because it’s better for the baby but not me.  I wasn’t really informed at the time like I am now.  They only reason I wanted a natural birth was because I wanted to be tough, so I could say I had a natural birth.  Turns out, sometimes you don’t get that choice and I ended up having a C-section.

When I hear that people have natural births now on purpose I just think, poor bugger! 

Going through the menopause the hard way, for no valid reason if you think about it seems ridiculous. If we can get help then we should.

If you had a migraine, you would take a painkiller with out question.  You wouldn’t just struggle through it on purpose.

5.       I’m a people pleaser – this was a hard one to realise.  I didn’t think I was.  I wish so hard that I wasn’t.  I had a coach recently who said it too me outright that I’m a people pleaser and it cut deep, I was very defensive about it and felt a little angry that she had said it.  Why did I feel so hurt?  Because she was right and I knew it.   I’ve been thinking about it a lot since and she is right, I am.  I am getting better though.  I say no a lot more to things I don’t want to do.  I try not to spread myself to thinly just to please everyone but I care way too much what people think of me.  I hate that I do.

Doing my job I need to be present so much on social media.  This was a huge deal for me at the beginning.  Talking to the camera, taking selfies (which I still hate to do) and talking about my life, even doing this very diary.  My first thoughts are what will people think, will they laugh at me, judge me, will they like it, what if they don’t think I look like a personal trainer.  I really had to get over myself and stop getting in my own way.  3 years down the line and I still think all of these thoughts before every single post I do. 

I have to talk myself into every single PT session I do because I am always thinking what if I let them down, what if they don’t enjoy the session, what if they can tell I’m not in a great mood today.

Being a people pleaser is exhausting.  I don’t want to do it anymore.

I don’t real like to go against the grain because I’m worried, I can’t defend my opinion, I’m not great at arguing my point so I just avoid it.  I can be very easily influenced and make decisions very quickly which isn’t always a good thing.

Let’s take another example, drinking alcohol.  I will likely delve into this in depth at some point as it’s significant when it comes to managing menopause but for around 5 years now I have tried on and off the stop drinking.  The one thing that always brings me back to it is a party.  A 40th, a wedding, a hen party, basically an occasion where people expect me to drink.  I am literally writing it and it sounds so ridiculous, especially if you are reading this and you are not a people pleaser.  The rational part of my brain totally gets that.  Why the fuck would anyone expect you to drink?  Why do they care if you drink or not?  If they do then that’s a them problem.  I know this, but my mind struggles to get past it.  I like to please people.  I like to meet their expectations of me and not disappoint them.

I could go on with lots more examples but I want to bring it back to why people pleasing has stopped my starting HRT.

Because of its reputation!

HRT has a bad reputation and it’s not a valid one.

In the 90’s people were scare mongered by the press that HRT gave you breast cancer and most of the GP’s took their patients off it.  Plunging millions of women back into depths of menopause symptoms.

I know this to be untrue and I will explain more about this in my next post as it’s very important we know that facts about HRT for those who don’t.

However, the majority of women hear HRT and immediately think breast cancer!

As a people pleaser I don’t like to feel judged.  I care what other people are thinking about me.  If I say I am on HRT, what will they think?  They might think I’m stupid.

Haha OMG I’m writing it and loathing myself just for writing it down. 

Ok – not more people pleasing.

None of these stand as good enough reasons not to do it anymore.

Emma x

Post 3 - My week from hell!

Thursday 13th June

Period week.

This one has not been pretty.

My period arrived that same night as my last entry, I felt better immediately.  When we get our period our oestrogen level start to rise again which can make our symptoms ease but in all honesty I think I just felt better because I wasn’t pregnant.

The next day I was walking on air, I honestly felt fabulous because I felt so hideous the day before. I got some life bits done, I ate healthy foods, got my steps in and even tackled Westfield Miranda and did some shopping.  This lured me into a false sense of security because the next day I was hit with the fog again, made worse this time because it was a work day.

I had one of those sleeps where you have been to sleep but you were just not comfortable, tossing and turning, you hear every single noise and I was sweating!  It’s winter here and its cold so this sweat was not warranted!  Do you ever have one of those sleeps where you wake up and feel disgusting?  I just needed a shower, I stripped my bed, opened all the windows and washed my PJ’s and dressing gown, I just felt like I needed everything to be fresh.  Almost like, if I do that, it will erase the memory of last nights sleep and it will never happen again, I can put it behind me so tonight’s sleep will be better.

On top of the bad sleep which was possibly responsible for the black mood, I had stomach cramps and a dull headache just behind my eyes that would only ease when I closed them.  I took some painkillers and it didn’t touch it.

As a Personal Trainer, I train 4-6 sessions per day from my gym I have at my home.  I am naturally a high energy type of girl.  I am positive and passionate about health and weight training. So when I am not these things on days like this, it’s noticeable and it very very hard for me to pull myself together to be the Emma that I want to be for my clients. They don’t want winging, flat, moaning Emma bringing them down. 

If your hormones are kicking your arse and you have a black cloud over you nothing will shift it.  Not positive thinking, no walk, no workout, no hug from someone you love, you just have to wait for that fog to lift.  I am having more and more days like this throughout my cycle and it’s new for me.  It’s not just a bad mood, someone could tell you that you won the lotto and I would probably still not cheer up.  You just want to be alone.

I have never suffered with depression, so lucky because I come from a family who have all suffered with severe depression, still to this day.  It has been around me my whole life.  I thought I understood it but now I realise I didn’t.  Not until recently.  I only have these “black days” here and there, I know they will pass because I know it’s hormonal.  I can’t imagine feeling like this every day which is how people feel with chronic depression.  I have this growing fear that depression is creeping in for me and I will get it long term.  Questions like, well what have I got to be depressed about, and, your life is what you make it are starting to make no sense because if my brain decides that how it is then that’s how it is, right?

There is a lot I could go into this diary entry about the symptoms I have been having this time around and I am sure I will cover them eventually but my 2 very low mood days have really got me thinking this time. 

Going back to my work day, I struggled through half of it, put on a brave face but wanted to cry for most of it, then I cancelled my two sessions at the end of the day.  Luckily, I have awesome clients who understand and could reschedule for the next day. 

This isn’t the first time my mood has effected my work.

I genuinely feel like I am losing my spark.

Now I know some, especially friends and family will say that I am hard on myself.  That may be, however, my business is my livelihood and it’s already hard being self-employed.  If I don’t work, I don’t get paid.  Or if I reschedule sessions I have to make them up another day, making that day harder and longer.  If I can avoid it, I will.

I have made a decision.

I am going to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy)

I think it will be good for me.

I do not want to struggle for the next 10 years.  No way.

This is a big decision for a few reasons. 

I will share them with you in the next entry.

Final note – my lumpy boobs went away by day 4 x