Thursday 13th June
Period week.
This one has not been pretty.
My period arrived that same night as my last entry, I felt better immediately. When we get our period our oestrogen level start to rise again which can make our symptoms ease but in all honesty I think I just felt better because I wasn’t pregnant.
The next day I was walking on air, I honestly felt fabulous because I felt so hideous the day before. I got some life bits done, I ate healthy foods, got my steps in and even tackled Westfield Miranda and did some shopping. This lured me into a false sense of security because the next day I was hit with the fog again, made worse this time because it was a work day.
I had one of those sleeps where you have been to sleep but you were just not comfortable, tossing and turning, you hear every single noise and I was sweating! It’s winter here and its cold so this sweat was not warranted! Do you ever have one of those sleeps where you wake up and feel disgusting? I just needed a shower, I stripped my bed, opened all the windows and washed my PJ’s and dressing gown, I just felt like I needed everything to be fresh. Almost like, if I do that, it will erase the memory of last nights sleep and it will never happen again, I can put it behind me so tonight’s sleep will be better.
On top of the bad sleep which was possibly responsible for the black mood, I had stomach cramps and a dull headache just behind my eyes that would only ease when I closed them. I took some painkillers and it didn’t touch it.
As a Personal Trainer, I train 4-6 sessions per day from my gym I have at my home. I am naturally a high energy type of girl. I am positive and passionate about health and weight training. So when I am not these things on days like this, it’s noticeable and it very very hard for me to pull myself together to be the Emma that I want to be for my clients. They don’t want winging, flat, moaning Emma bringing them down.
If your hormones are kicking your arse and you have a black cloud over you nothing will shift it. Not positive thinking, no walk, no workout, no hug from someone you love, you just have to wait for that fog to lift. I am having more and more days like this throughout my cycle and it’s new for me. It’s not just a bad mood, someone could tell you that you won the lotto and I would probably still not cheer up. You just want to be alone.
I have never suffered with depression, so lucky because I come from a family who have all suffered with severe depression, still to this day. It has been around me my whole life. I thought I understood it but now I realise I didn’t. Not until recently. I only have these “black days” here and there, I know they will pass because I know it’s hormonal. I can’t imagine feeling like this every day which is how people feel with chronic depression. I have this growing fear that depression is creeping in for me and I will get it long term. Questions like, well what have I got to be depressed about, and, your life is what you make it are starting to make no sense because if my brain decides that how it is then that’s how it is, right?
There is a lot I could go into this diary entry about the symptoms I have been having this time around and I am sure I will cover them eventually but my 2 very low mood days have really got me thinking this time.
Going back to my work day, I struggled through half of it, put on a brave face but wanted to cry for most of it, then I cancelled my two sessions at the end of the day. Luckily, I have awesome clients who understand and could reschedule for the next day.
This isn’t the first time my mood has effected my work.
I genuinely feel like I am losing my spark.
Now I know some, especially friends and family will say that I am hard on myself. That may be, however, my business is my livelihood and it’s already hard being self-employed. If I don’t work, I don’t get paid. Or if I reschedule sessions I have to make them up another day, making that day harder and longer. If I can avoid it, I will.
I have made a decision.
I am going to go on HRT (hormone replacement therapy)
I think it will be good for me.
I do not want to struggle for the next 10 years. No way.
This is a big decision for a few reasons.
I will share them with you in the next entry.
Final note – my lumpy boobs went away by day 4 x
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